When complimenting a pregnant lady (especially one you don't know), don't say weird things.
There are so many weird things that people think pass as compliments to a pregnant mom or a mom with more than 1 kid in public. And really, they should think about the words that are coming out of their mouths. Why are moms such a target for weird 'compliments' about their appearance? I have heard (for instance) things like:
Um, I find it a little weird.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, because I had an experience while Emery was getting his teeth filled. Emery was relaxing on nitrous, the girls were in the corner watching something on the tablet, and I was sitting talking to the assistant while we waited for the doctor. Eventually the conversation came around to my noticeably pregnant midsection. She asked when I was due. When I told her, she responded with, "Wow! You look great. . . for being due in June!!" I chuckled, thanked her, and when on to talk about something else. Like I've said, due to the genetics I have, I'm very used to being told how tiny I am; even when and especially while pregnant.
But really. Isn't that kind of a weird thing to say? Thank you for saying I look great. But why do I look great because I'm littler than average? Couldn't I look great if I was bigger than average? I should like to think so. But now that this hormonal, over-analytical pregnant lady has left your dental office, she's a little curious as to why society has inundated you to think she wouldn't be looking so great if she was only 2 months pregnant instead of 5 and looked this big. Sigh.
Truly the beauty of pregnancy (and motherhood) is much more an intrinsic beauty than an aesthetic one. So. To you newly pregnant, hugely pregnant, or recently no longer pregnant mommas. . . you're growing a bleeping human! Isn't that phenomenal?? Isn't that, in and of itself, AMAZING?!? (Yes, the answer is yes.) Even if your circumference is twice as big or half as big as someone else, you are in the middle of something divine. Just because pregnancy and motherhood isn't always flowers and butterflies and rainbows doesn't mean it isn't amazingly and overwhelmingly beautiful. A human being is growing inside you. That looks different on me than it does on you, or anybody else. Don't hate yourself for it, try not to be discouraged by it, and certainly don't think you or anybody else is better or worse for it! As that child develops, your body knows exactly how to support and make just enough space for him or her. And that is a flipping miracle.
And guys, MIRACLES are beautiful.
Really, my point is this. Compliments should be given freely. But I'd rather empower people than comment on them. Having straight teeth or thick hair or a tiny pregnant belly may be easy on the eyes. But goodness, they not virtues. We need to recognize each other's virtues, talents, and strengths with more regularity. Those are worth complimenting. Those are worth noticing. Those compliments are up-lifting. Those comments are empowering.
So maybe can we agree to stop telling fellow women what she already knows about herself? Maybe we should tell her things she might not know instead, or even things she may have forgotten. (Moms forget a lot. . .) Things like the miracle of the endeavor on which she's embarked, or pointing out her talents, telling her she's cute and not making it dependent on her shape or size or due date, telling her how much you admire her tenacity or kindness or sweetness or patience or courage or follow-through, mentioning how cute her kids are, or even just a good 'ole piece of encouragement. For some reason those have become the weird things for us to say to strangers. (Why should we let kindness be weird?) Sometimes it's hard to compliment someone you don't know well in such a personal way. But it is possible. Especially with that fellow mother or mother-to-be. And if it is what's weird, so what? At least then she left with a genuine smile on her face, instead of a tolerant chuckle of acknowledgement at the same thing she's been told a million times.
So on second thought; when complimenting a pregnant lady, maybe you should say weird things.
There are so many weird things that people think pass as compliments to a pregnant mom or a mom with more than 1 kid in public. And really, they should think about the words that are coming out of their mouths. Why are moms such a target for weird 'compliments' about their appearance? I have heard (for instance) things like:
- "Wow you're so little (short/tiny/petite/pocket sized. . .)." (pocket sized? Really? Am I a button?)
- "You're so skinny!" (followed approximately 75% of the time by a joking "I hate you."...Thanks I literally can do as much about it as you can...)
- "You look like you didn't even have a baby!" (I always think this one's weird because I'm usually holding one in my arms, and how can that with or without the dark circles under my eyes not look like I've just. had. a baby?)
- "You look like you're ready to pop!" (thanks for the reminder, I'd forgotten.)
- "You do not look old enough to have (insert number of) kids." (I'd say that's not even a factor in the reality of it, wouldn't you?)
Um, I find it a little weird.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently, because I had an experience while Emery was getting his teeth filled. Emery was relaxing on nitrous, the girls were in the corner watching something on the tablet, and I was sitting talking to the assistant while we waited for the doctor. Eventually the conversation came around to my noticeably pregnant midsection. She asked when I was due. When I told her, she responded with, "Wow! You look great. . . for being due in June!!" I chuckled, thanked her, and when on to talk about something else. Like I've said, due to the genetics I have, I'm very used to being told how tiny I am; even when and especially while pregnant.
But really. Isn't that kind of a weird thing to say? Thank you for saying I look great. But why do I look great because I'm littler than average? Couldn't I look great if I was bigger than average? I should like to think so. But now that this hormonal, over-analytical pregnant lady has left your dental office, she's a little curious as to why society has inundated you to think she wouldn't be looking so great if she was only 2 months pregnant instead of 5 and looked this big. Sigh.
Truly the beauty of pregnancy (and motherhood) is much more an intrinsic beauty than an aesthetic one. So. To you newly pregnant, hugely pregnant, or recently no longer pregnant mommas. . . you're growing a bleeping human! Isn't that phenomenal?? Isn't that, in and of itself, AMAZING?!? (Yes, the answer is yes.) Even if your circumference is twice as big or half as big as someone else, you are in the middle of something divine. Just because pregnancy and motherhood isn't always flowers and butterflies and rainbows doesn't mean it isn't amazingly and overwhelmingly beautiful. A human being is growing inside you. That looks different on me than it does on you, or anybody else. Don't hate yourself for it, try not to be discouraged by it, and certainly don't think you or anybody else is better or worse for it! As that child develops, your body knows exactly how to support and make just enough space for him or her. And that is a flipping miracle.
And guys, MIRACLES are beautiful.
Really, my point is this. Compliments should be given freely. But I'd rather empower people than comment on them. Having straight teeth or thick hair or a tiny pregnant belly may be easy on the eyes. But goodness, they not virtues. We need to recognize each other's virtues, talents, and strengths with more regularity. Those are worth complimenting. Those are worth noticing. Those compliments are up-lifting. Those comments are empowering.
So maybe can we agree to stop telling fellow women what she already knows about herself? Maybe we should tell her things she might not know instead, or even things she may have forgotten. (Moms forget a lot. . .) Things like the miracle of the endeavor on which she's embarked, or pointing out her talents, telling her she's cute and not making it dependent on her shape or size or due date, telling her how much you admire her tenacity or kindness or sweetness or patience or courage or follow-through, mentioning how cute her kids are, or even just a good 'ole piece of encouragement. For some reason those have become the weird things for us to say to strangers. (Why should we let kindness be weird?) Sometimes it's hard to compliment someone you don't know well in such a personal way. But it is possible. Especially with that fellow mother or mother-to-be. And if it is what's weird, so what? At least then she left with a genuine smile on her face, instead of a tolerant chuckle of acknowledgement at the same thing she's been told a million times.
So on second thought; when complimenting a pregnant lady, maybe you should say weird things.
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