Two things: (And they do go together, I promise.)
1. A few weekends ago I went to Time Out For Women. Hilary Weeks was one of the musical presenters, and she asked us to write down one piece of advice from her next song, called 'Love Your Life'. It could be something that we felt impressed by or wanted to remember or work on. As she sang, a particular phrase hit me in a way I was not expecting. I wrote it down.
2. A few days after getting home from Time Out For Women I found myself with some kid free time and sat down to write. I came across something I had started writing months ago but had forgotten about. Some background information here: My oldest had just started kindergarten, and we were in the throes of a largely emotional, semi-rough transition to this new normal. He'd come home from school and fly off the handle at the most minuscule of things. I was going nuts wondering where my normally happy and calm boy had gone. Day after day I was left wondering what was happening, what I was doing wrong, and what I could do to stop the crazy.
It was during that time that I started writing this:
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As a mother, it is so hard not to take the actions of my sweet kiddos personally. Logically, I know that a 5, 3, and 1 year old collectively have emotional stamina the size of a gnat. But emotionally, I often have a hard time remembering to be logical. I'm so invested in these sweet humans that sometimes it's hard to let the outbursts and disobedience and tantrums and fighting roll off my back as just the integral part of childhood they are. It's easier to believe that they're somehow caused by some horrible failure on my part that's turning them into self centered, entitled brats. It's so easy for me to get bogged down with how I'm not involved enough, how I'm not spiritual enough, how I'm not listening enough or not responsive enough, how my discipline is not enough, how my teaching is not enough. I often feel that if I were enough, they wouldn't fight or whine or complain so much. In secret dark moments it all makes me feel like I'm not good enough at this whole motherhood thing. And, after a particularly hard day, feeling (yet again) like I was not doing a good enough job teaching, leading, or even loving these children enough, I was taught a beautiful truth. I took a time out and hid in the bathroom. As I was calming down, I had a thought.
"Tycy, there's a difference between teaching moments and loving moments."
God sure knows me well. See, I try so hard to be an active, engaged parent. I try so hard to take advantage of all the endless, daily teaching moments of raising a child. I don't want my kids growing up to be disrespectful, lazy, self indulgent hooligans. Because of that good intent, I respond with lightning swiftness to nip brattiness (or the appearance of brattiness) in the bud in order to teach which of their behaviors are appropriate and which are not. In my love for my kids, it seems that routine, discipline, and teaching moments become outward manifestations of love more often than they should. And when disorder, disarray, and whining take control of everything, it feels like the plans I have to raise happy, healthy, hardworking humans disintegrate into dust. It all feels so soul crushing that despite my best intentions, I live with crazy little unteachable hooligans anyway. (Yeah, a little dramatic, but honestly, is there ever really a time when a mother isn't worried she's to blame for 100% messing it all up? Because if there is such a lady, I want to know her secret!)
"Tycy, there's a difference between teaching moments and loving moments."
But. I forget sometimes who I'm dealing with here. Children. Toddlers. Crazy-pants humans whose emotional chaos is not a reflection of my parenting failure. Why? Because they're not yet adult hooligans. There's plenty of teaching moments left for me to take advantage of. The chaos, the whining, the yelling, the fighting....it's because they are children, and they need much more loving than teaching. They are just kids, and they have no idea how to handle the newness of it all. And this whole mortal experience thing with emotions and unfairness and frustration? Yeah. It's overwhelming to them too. And goodness knows how frustrating it was to have someone try to teach me that stupid math (or chem or physics) problem when I'm overwhelmed. It's so much more productive to step back, calm down and refresh before trying to tackle it again. Is it really so much different when teaching children? There is a difference between an "intentional disobedience" situation (aka teaching moment) and "emotionally and physically overwhelmed meltdown" situation (aka loving moment). There is difference between a time with the need for a corrective hand and a time for a tender hand. I am not very confident in my ability to discern those moments. But I now know my feelings of inadequacy are strongest when I treat a loving moment as a teaching moment.
It's a self inflicted, self repeating cycle of needless, relentless motherhood guilt. It's because I was making the 'teaching' the center of my mothering moments.
"Tycy, there's a difference between teaching moments and loving moments." (Aka: "Tycy, that kid needs a hug more than he needs TV privileges taken away.")
I need to stop and hug more than I stop and chastise. (I know that not having a cookie before dinner isn't the end of the world, but he doesn't!) I need to take a break to cuddle instead of just sending a kid to a room. (Yeah, chores are the bane of my existence too! Why don't you help me do mine then I can help you do yours?) I need to stop and listen to why he yelled at her (because sometimes sisters are button pushers...) instead of fixing immediate punishment that seems appropriate from my limited perspective.
It's taken me two months to recognize that when I look back at the moments and days and years God has manifested His Hand to me, there have been exponentially more loving moments than teaching moments in my life. And. I have learned more through the loving moments than the specific teaching moments. Heavenly Father is much more commonly a loving parent than a 'wrath and anger' parent. I want to pattern my parenting after His. So I have been really trying to show in a tangible way love to that child when I before would have had a more negative response. (Habits are hard to break...) I am not good at it yet. But with practice, I hope to get there.
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Back to the two things. At Time Out For Women I wrote down something from a song. It was months after my feelings of mothering inadequacy were eating me alive, months after I started this post. I wrote:
"Don't forget that you're already enough."
I've been working on embracing the loving moments for a couple months now. I have distinct examples when it has made a difference in my attitude and in the kid's attitudes. (Obviously discipline is still a thing around here, I am not saying it isn't...) But as I learn to recognize the moments that need more loving and less direct 'teaching', I have had a surge of confidence in my abilities as a mother. I don't feel inadequate to meet their needs. I don't feel inadequate when their behavior doesn't meet my expectations. I am better able to create a calm, comfortable atmosphere for both teaching and learning (for the kids and me). Behavior, respect, patience, love, understanding, and self control will (and already has) manifest as these sweet children grow up feeling loved, and not just being taught.
What the Lord was teaching me is children grow better when they feel too, that they are already enough.
1. A few weekends ago I went to Time Out For Women. Hilary Weeks was one of the musical presenters, and she asked us to write down one piece of advice from her next song, called 'Love Your Life'. It could be something that we felt impressed by or wanted to remember or work on. As she sang, a particular phrase hit me in a way I was not expecting. I wrote it down.
2. A few days after getting home from Time Out For Women I found myself with some kid free time and sat down to write. I came across something I had started writing months ago but had forgotten about. Some background information here: My oldest had just started kindergarten, and we were in the throes of a largely emotional, semi-rough transition to this new normal. He'd come home from school and fly off the handle at the most minuscule of things. I was going nuts wondering where my normally happy and calm boy had gone. Day after day I was left wondering what was happening, what I was doing wrong, and what I could do to stop the crazy.
It was during that time that I started writing this:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a mother, it is so hard not to take the actions of my sweet kiddos personally. Logically, I know that a 5, 3, and 1 year old collectively have emotional stamina the size of a gnat. But emotionally, I often have a hard time remembering to be logical. I'm so invested in these sweet humans that sometimes it's hard to let the outbursts and disobedience and tantrums and fighting roll off my back as just the integral part of childhood they are. It's easier to believe that they're somehow caused by some horrible failure on my part that's turning them into self centered, entitled brats. It's so easy for me to get bogged down with how I'm not involved enough, how I'm not spiritual enough, how I'm not listening enough or not responsive enough, how my discipline is not enough, how my teaching is not enough. I often feel that if I were enough, they wouldn't fight or whine or complain so much. In secret dark moments it all makes me feel like I'm not good enough at this whole motherhood thing. And, after a particularly hard day, feeling (yet again) like I was not doing a good enough job teaching, leading, or even loving these children enough, I was taught a beautiful truth. I took a time out and hid in the bathroom. As I was calming down, I had a thought.
"Tycy, there's a difference between teaching moments and loving moments."
God sure knows me well. See, I try so hard to be an active, engaged parent. I try so hard to take advantage of all the endless, daily teaching moments of raising a child. I don't want my kids growing up to be disrespectful, lazy, self indulgent hooligans. Because of that good intent, I respond with lightning swiftness to nip brattiness (or the appearance of brattiness) in the bud in order to teach which of their behaviors are appropriate and which are not. In my love for my kids, it seems that routine, discipline, and teaching moments become outward manifestations of love more often than they should. And when disorder, disarray, and whining take control of everything, it feels like the plans I have to raise happy, healthy, hardworking humans disintegrate into dust. It all feels so soul crushing that despite my best intentions, I live with crazy little unteachable hooligans anyway. (Yeah, a little dramatic, but honestly, is there ever really a time when a mother isn't worried she's to blame for 100% messing it all up? Because if there is such a lady, I want to know her secret!)
"Tycy, there's a difference between teaching moments and loving moments."
But. I forget sometimes who I'm dealing with here. Children. Toddlers. Crazy-pants humans whose emotional chaos is not a reflection of my parenting failure. Why? Because they're not yet adult hooligans. There's plenty of teaching moments left for me to take advantage of. The chaos, the whining, the yelling, the fighting....it's because they are children, and they need much more loving than teaching. They are just kids, and they have no idea how to handle the newness of it all. And this whole mortal experience thing with emotions and unfairness and frustration? Yeah. It's overwhelming to them too. And goodness knows how frustrating it was to have someone try to teach me that stupid math (or chem or physics) problem when I'm overwhelmed. It's so much more productive to step back, calm down and refresh before trying to tackle it again. Is it really so much different when teaching children? There is a difference between an "intentional disobedience" situation (aka teaching moment) and "emotionally and physically overwhelmed meltdown" situation (aka loving moment). There is difference between a time with the need for a corrective hand and a time for a tender hand. I am not very confident in my ability to discern those moments. But I now know my feelings of inadequacy are strongest when I treat a loving moment as a teaching moment.
For example: He asks. I answer. He freaks out. I stop letting him do what he wants and send him to his room. He freaks out more. So I freak out. I feel guilty.
It's a self inflicted, self repeating cycle of needless, relentless motherhood guilt. It's because I was making the 'teaching' the center of my mothering moments.
"Tycy, there's a difference between teaching moments and loving moments." (Aka: "Tycy, that kid needs a hug more than he needs TV privileges taken away.")
For example: He asks. I answer. He freaks out. I stop what I'm doing. I commiserate with him. I hug him. I let him know that I know it sucks, but we'll both make it. Eventually he calms down. I don't freak out. And I don't feel guilty.
I need to stop and hug more than I stop and chastise. (I know that not having a cookie before dinner isn't the end of the world, but he doesn't!) I need to take a break to cuddle instead of just sending a kid to a room. (Yeah, chores are the bane of my existence too! Why don't you help me do mine then I can help you do yours?) I need to stop and listen to why he yelled at her (because sometimes sisters are button pushers...) instead of fixing immediate punishment that seems appropriate from my limited perspective.
It's taken me two months to recognize that when I look back at the moments and days and years God has manifested His Hand to me, there have been exponentially more loving moments than teaching moments in my life. And. I have learned more through the loving moments than the specific teaching moments. Heavenly Father is much more commonly a loving parent than a 'wrath and anger' parent. I want to pattern my parenting after His. So I have been really trying to show in a tangible way love to that child when I before would have had a more negative response. (Habits are hard to break...) I am not good at it yet. But with practice, I hope to get there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to the two things. At Time Out For Women I wrote down something from a song. It was months after my feelings of mothering inadequacy were eating me alive, months after I started this post. I wrote:
"Don't forget that you're already enough."
Previously, that has been so easy to forget. That is exactly what I was struggling with in those first weeks of Kindergarten Krazy. But lately, as I learn to take my motherhood out of the teaching moments and put it into the loving moments, I don't forget it as much; even though I always have more to learn and grow and be better about. Maybe even especially because of that, I remember that I am already enough.
What the Lord was teaching me is children grow better when they feel too, that they are already enough.
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