Before I had kids, I knew that there would be hard days.
Obviously 'hard' is a relative term here.
But as only a pre mother can, I figured I knew mostly what was in store. Relatively accurately, I did predict there would be the suck-the-life-outta-me exhausting days, the heartbreaking days, the so frustrated I can't even see straight days.
I didn't know that hard could take on a whole new meaning.
But I also figured on the great days.
I knew there would be days of unbelievable joy, the days of soaking in their every tiny movement and gurgle, the days of cuddles and giggles and kisses and happy beyond describing.
In all honesty; I had no idea what I was jumping into. There are just certain things that have to be learned with experience.
All those days have happened and more. And what I didn't know then was how sharply those moments would etch and carve and bind themselves into my heart. What I didn't know was how much those moments would give breath to the very purpose of mortal existence; how they've taken the life from me and placed it in something so much greater than I am.
What I didn't know was how those moments would teach me of the divinity of my potential while simultaneously allowing me to forget who I thought I was because I've been so absorbed by them.
Them- those tiny little humans who call me 'mom'. Those beautiful babies Heavenly Father entrusted to my care when He knew that sometimes my best effort would be a Dragontales marathon and crackers for dinner.
Them-those eternal beings who had faith enough in God's plan to come to earth to progress towards salvation and everlasting life. Those perfect creatures that I love with all my heart.
What I didn't know then was how to love with all my heart, expecting nothing in return. Neither did I know how exhausting that can be.
What I didn't know was that it was possible to love their father anymore than I already did.
What I didn't know was how it feels to be outwitted by a two year old.
What I didn't know then was the very real panic I would feel at messing up. Every time I worry how my right or wrong (or maybe neither) parenting choices are molding them. Every time, I wonder how my 'better' could have been 'best'.
What I didn't know was how much soul stretching comes from prayer that isn't all pleading about me.
What I didn't know then was the amount of peace that would filter into my life in between the chaos; that there is a very tangible heavenly power in this family endeavor.
Then I had children.
And I'm sure learning it now.
Obviously 'hard' is a relative term here.
But as only a pre mother can, I figured I knew mostly what was in store. Relatively accurately, I did predict there would be the suck-the-life-outta-me exhausting days, the heartbreaking days, the so frustrated I can't even see straight days.
I didn't know that hard could take on a whole new meaning.
But I also figured on the great days.
I knew there would be days of unbelievable joy, the days of soaking in their every tiny movement and gurgle, the days of cuddles and giggles and kisses and happy beyond describing.
In all honesty; I had no idea what I was jumping into. There are just certain things that have to be learned with experience.
All those days have happened and more. And what I didn't know then was how sharply those moments would etch and carve and bind themselves into my heart. What I didn't know was how much those moments would give breath to the very purpose of mortal existence; how they've taken the life from me and placed it in something so much greater than I am.
What I didn't know was how those moments would teach me of the divinity of my potential while simultaneously allowing me to forget who I thought I was because I've been so absorbed by them.
Them- those tiny little humans who call me 'mom'. Those beautiful babies Heavenly Father entrusted to my care when He knew that sometimes my best effort would be a Dragontales marathon and crackers for dinner.
Them-those eternal beings who had faith enough in God's plan to come to earth to progress towards salvation and everlasting life. Those perfect creatures that I love with all my heart.
What I didn't know then was how to love with all my heart, expecting nothing in return. Neither did I know how exhausting that can be.
What I didn't know was how it feels to be outwitted by a two year old.
What I didn't know then was the very real panic I would feel at messing up. Every time I worry how my right or wrong (or maybe neither) parenting choices are molding them. Every time, I wonder how my 'better' could have been 'best'.
What I didn't know was how much soul stretching comes from prayer that isn't all pleading about me.
What I didn't know then was the amount of peace that would filter into my life in between the chaos; that there is a very tangible heavenly power in this family endeavor.
What I didn't know was how much I didn't know.
And I'm sure learning it now.
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